Agile is whatever you want it to be

EDIT: Courtesy of Charles Feduke, this post is now available in video form as well:

CodeBlaster5000: Dude, you are an agile coach? We do agile!

AgileZenMaster23: “Coach”?. I am an Agile ascetic. I point at the moon.

CodeBlaster5000: That’s cool. We’re really into agile. We do scrum like three times a day.

AgileZenMaster23: Scrum is a chalk flower on a mud brick wall. The agilist looks, and then looks away.

CodeBlaster5000: We’ve been using a kanban board for all our requirements gathering.

AgileZenMaster23: When you see that requirements are an illusion, then you know true enlightenment.

CodeBlaster5000: Yeah, I know what you mean man. We’ve totally been doing customer development, developing customers into ex-customers.

AgileZenMaster23: You, me, the client–they are all one and the same.

CodeBlaster5000: Seriously, you are so right. We’re really trying to pivot into an app company. Apps are awesome, sooo much better than applications.

AgileZenMaster23: Sitting in the box, the student sees only darkness. Standing upon the box, he reaches the persimmon of truth.

CodeBlaster5000: I know man! Like, some of these guys just don’t get it. You have to get out there ahead of the curve. I’m into minimum viable products now, like I just had this idea for a chat program where you can only send plain text to each other.

AgileZenMaster23: Features are a distraction; the only product that truly matters is stakeholder communication.

CodeBlaster5000: Right! Like, I feel like my real job is to help everyone communicate better. I’m on the phone with the investors all day, sending story updates to my guys over Campfire every few minutes. We completely embrace change!

AgileZenMaster23: Stories come in, stories go out. Never a miscommunication. You can’t explain that.

CodeBlaster5000: I like your style, man. I think my team would really learn a lot from you. Tell you what, let me give you my card and we’ll set up a training retreat.

AgileZenMaster23: I charge $500 an hour.

(Loosely inspired by this video, which I found amusing but didn’t think it fully captured the, uh… “serenity” of some of the Agile consultants out there.)